(Ed. Note: Warning, parts of this article may be embellished, fabricated, made up or just pure lies. But we’re not telling you which ones. Read with caution.)
Rolling Stone magazine has reported that Rolling Stones guitarist/vampire Keith Richards (Ed. Note: what other explanation could there be? It’s either that or he sold his soul to Satan. Probably both.) has apologized to bandmate Mick Jagger for disparaging comments in Richard’s 2010 bestselling memoir “Life.”
In the book Richards claims one-time Jagger girlfriend Marianne Faithfull “had no fun with his tiny todger. I know he’s got an enormous pair of balls — but it doesn’t quite fill the gap.”
(Ed. Note: Todger is British slang for penis. As is dobber, packet, mutton dagger, pan handle, knob, percy, hampton wick, pink cigar, stiffy, plonker, widgy, pork dagger, beaver cleaver, pocket rocket, purple-headed womb broom and chopper. God Bless English slang.)
Reportedly the passage widened the chasm between the two founding members of the Stones, and possibly put the kibosh on celebrations for the 50th anniversary of the band.
Rolling Stone (Ed. Note: The magazine not the band, although you could be excused for confusing the two because neither has put out anything worth reading or listening to since about 1983.) claims that the Glimmer Twins have moved on and have buried the hatchet.
“Looking back at any career you are bound to recall both the highs and the lows,” Jagger told Rolling Stone. “In the 1980s for instance Keith and I were not communicating very well. I got very involved with the business side of the Stones, mainly because I felt no one else was interested, but it’s plain now from the book that Keith felt excluded, which is a pity. Time I reckon to move on.”
Richards agreed. “Mick’s right. He and I have had conversations over the last year of a kind we have not had for an extremely long time and that has been incredibly important to me. As far as the book goes, it was my story and it was very raw, as I meant it to be, but I know that some parts of it and some of the publicity really offended Mick and I regret that.”
The Rolling Stones are expected to mount a worldwide tour to celebrate their 50th sometime in 2013. (Ed. Note: Meanwhile, Rolling Stone magazine is expected to continue to suck up to the corporate music industry well into 2013 and beyond.)
The tiff between Richards and Jagger is not the first time rock star genitals have threatened the existence of the world’s biggest musical acts.
In 1973 Led Zeppelin guitarist Jimmy Page reportedly threatened to disband Led Zeppelin if a demand for a separate spotlight just for Robert Plant’s penis was granted.
At his birthday party in 1967, Who drummer and madman Keith Moon’s penis drove a Lincoln Continental into a pool, resulting in it’s arrest and incarceration in jail overnight. Moon took the rap for his unit.
In 1985 Tommy Lee’s legendary schlong filed for separation from the Motley Crue drummer, citing the constant abuse it suffered during the Crue’s “Shout at the Devil” tour.
In 1982 Ozzy Osbourne’s wang bit the head off a dove in a record industry meeting.
And more recently, teen idol Justin Bieber’s vagina sued him for breech of contract after not being credited as a co-songwriter on several of the pop stars’ hits.